Yesterday I took a personality test as an assignment for my Career Counseling class. I had to fill out 7-8 of the jobs I imagined myself having at some point in my life, starting with the earliest and ending with the most recent. It looked something like this (beginning with 13 years old and going through today):
Elementary School Teacher
High School English Teacher
Writer
Web Marketing
Real Estate Agent
Counselor
Professor
The section of the test was aptly called “Daydreams.”
In the midst of wavering from teaching to real estate and finally ending up wanting to be a counselor and professor, I can see the evolution of myself. So much change and yet, so much of the same. I wanted to be a teacher at 13 years old, and I want to be a teacher (professor) today. I’m doing web marketing, but not in the same depth I had one day thought/hoped to be. It’s the perfect job for right now, and is helping put me through school, but I don’t want to do it forever. Sometimes I get a paycheck for writing, but most of the time I don’t.
I will never be finished growing and reaching. It’s what I do. I have over a year left to complete my master’s and am already plotting a Ph.D. I want to open a small private practice and do some volunteer work in the community. I want to have a baby and get swept up in the job and role of a mother. I want to write.
Through it all, since college (and before, I just hadn’t realized it yet), I have wanted to be a writer. I still want to be a writer. Especially on mornings like this, when I don’t have anything pressing to do and my house is quiet. The wood floors are chilly and I bundle up in socks and sweats, wrapping my cold hands around a mug of café au lait. It reminds me of our trip to New Orleans, a city full of people with stories. While we were wandering the city one evening, we passed by a girl, about my age, sitting in front of an old typewriter. She had a cup for money and a sign that said “Poet for Hire.” I loved that. It made me smile and ache at the same time. Oh, how I wish I had the guts to abandon everything and sit on a street with a cup and a typewriter. But I don’t, because there are always bills and obligations and honestly, I’m not the type to sit on the street. I like my cold wood floors and hot coffee too much.
There are moments, flashes of frustration and feelings of discouragement, that I wonder what I’m doing. Why am I in school? I run the Saints Streets and think of ideas for a murder mystery; I jot ideas in half-filled notebooks all over my house. I see a stylish woman on Facebook, a friend of a friend of a friend, in her fifties, wearing thick black glasses and calling herself a writer, and I want to know what her life is like. Does she wear socks and type away on a Mac? Does she have a house by the water where she goes to feel inspired for her next novel?
And so I type, on a Mac, wearing socks and black glasses. Life is a funny thing. I wanted to be a teacher, I still want to be a teacher. I could listen to people tell their stories all day long. They all carry different amounts of joy and pain. Some carry too much pain and I want to help them, so I study to be a counselor. I wear so many hats in the course of a week, a day. I want to be a writer. I have always wanted to be a writer.
Should I quit school? Sell everything I own and sit on the street in New Orleans with a cup and an old typewriter? Or should I continue doing what I’m doing — writing, going to school, becoming a counselor, thinking about Ph.D. programs, always writing. One day, I’ll be in my fifties. Maybe I’ll have a house by the water.
I don’t know where this path leads or where it ends — or if it ever does end. I love that about it. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’s beautiful and fun and messy and mysterious. The best kind of path. Yes, I might not know much about it — I can only see a little ways ahead before it twists and turns out of my sight — but I do know I’m headed in the right direction.
Kim says:
Lauren. You can write and do a job. My friend Dave, who coauthors my blog with me, just had his first novel published. He obtained a bachelor’s in English and a low residency MFA in creative writing, all while practicing law. Drop him a line sometime :)
Lauren from Texas says:
That is truly inspiring! Thanks Kim. :)
Transformaria says:
Dear Lauren
You are getting to know me and I could talk about ” day dreams” or real dreams all day. For someone like you and me they become reality…
Yes, you said ” a lot of hard work”, the difference is when you love what you do…..you are consistent, believe and know the steps are the way, not the elevator….it will happen! It is not work anymore to you, but a passion.
All things on God’s time not ours.
You are an awesome gift, full of life and this plato is our class room and with who you are….YOU teach us everyday.
Lauren from Texas says:
Thanks Maria <3
Julia says:
Welcome to being a grown up- knowing life is a journey and not a destination. Also sitting on the streets doesn’t seem to be your style ;)
Lauren from Texas says:
I was talking to a couple of girls today (they’re both in grad school as well) and we were discussing the necessity of getting over feeling like you need to have “arrived” or “come to a stopping point.” Pretty sure that’s called “death.” Until then, I’ll just keep plugging away, loving every twist and turn in the road because it means I’m still here and I still have a ways to go. :-)
Julie Henshaw says:
You triggered a rabbit thought trail for me when you talk about your idea of a writer who perhaps lives by a lake. It is the idea of the lake that gets me. It is funny how much bodies of water appear in dreams/desires. I don’t know very many people who want to just live in a field/meadow, dessert, or city. Most people want to be near water. Even those people who like the city want to live in cities where there is a river or lake, or ocean. Even people who want to live in the mountains know that mountains mean you will see and be near a lot of water (springs, rivers, glacier lakes). People are drawn to water. Why is that? Could it be b/c in the very beginning it was one of the first things to exist? (“And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.” Genesis 1:2). Ryan dreams about owning a house by a lake so that in the winter he will come home from work and see his family out ice skating or playing on the lake. Okay now that that random thought has been expressed…
It is a VERY good thing that you have dreams. As funny as it sounds, it is hard for a lot of people to identify any of their own. Keep up the dreams.
Lauren from Texas says:
Julie, you’re right, it’s important to be able to identify your dreams. I’m still trying to recognize which of my dreams I want/need to become reality (and therefore need to work on), and which of them are better off left as dreams. Thanks for the comment. <3
Kelley says:
Long-time lurker, first time commenter. This post struck such a chord with me. I too am always reaching, reaching reaching, thinking ahead, making plans, fine-tuning dreams. I find that accomplishing one goal only makes my determination toward the next goal stronger. I am pursuing a master’s degree (in marketing) and I too write and dream of writing for a career, whether it’s a side job or full time. Sometimes I feel frustrated and wish enough could be enough. I am tired from work and school and want what I’ve already accomplished to be good enough. I think ‘when will it end?’. In the most recent edition of Real Simple, there was a section where people revealed the best compliments they’d received, and one was “you don’t settle until you’re happy.” I think at the end of the day, that’s a wonderful quality to possess.
Lauren from Texas says:
Kelley, I’m so glad you commented! I love Real Simple and that is an awesome quote/compliment. I would never, ever want to be known as someone who “settled”…one of my favorite quotes is this:
“It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” -W. Somerset Maugham
It’s in that same vein. It might be a lot more work, but in the end (or lack thereof — since this seems to be a never-ending journey), it will be worth it.