Sometimes I like to imagine that I am Wonder Woman, except blonde and not as muscular, and that I can go through my weeks effortlessly, using my superpowers to banish anything bad that tries to come after me. The fact of the matter is that when bad things happen, I want to simultaneously curl up into a little ball and cry, while yelling and punching a wall. I don’t think Wonder Woman ever did anything like that. At least not openly.
This week has been awful. Many small things have happened that have added up to one stressed, tired, non-Wonder Woman. And it’s only Wednesday.
The top 3 terrible things that have happened this week:
>> I gave a presentation on social media and, due to the fact that I have a Mac and there are parts of the world that still hate Macs, I had approximately 1000 technical difficulties. If that wasn’t unnerving enough, while I was speaking, I scanned the room and noticed there was a man in the back of the room taking a nap. He was sitting up, facing forward, and his eyes were closed. Maybe he was meditating on what I was saying, but since he snapped his eyes open several minutes later and looked really surprised to be where he was, I doubt it. It was a traumatic experience. Technical issues AND so boring I was putting people to sleep? Needless to say, I stumbled a bit through my slides.
>> Michael is sick, bless his heart. When Michael is sick, THE WORLD HAS ENDED. The man who can get all A’s in grad school, work, run miles upon miles, clean the house, and still have energy to spare suddenly becomes someone ON HIS DEATHBED. He is sick so rarely that he doesn’t know how to handle it. I am sick a lot (or rather, there are times on a regular basis that I don’t feel well), so I begin to lack sympathy after a certain point. (Yes, I am aware that this makes me a bad wife.) Now I know why they put “in sickness and in health” into wedding vows. Is it this way with all men? My research so far is showing that it is. Sorry honey. I love you. Feel better soon, okay? Like, really soon. ASAP. Chop chop.
>> I guess when the yoga instructor said “Focus on releasing toxins from your body,” the guy next to me thought she meant to fart. SEVERAL TIMES. The kind of awful disgusting farts that make you gag. Look, I know some of those yoga positions can be compromising. It’s probably easy to…well, accidentally let one rip if you’re not careful. BUT REPEATEDLY? It was terrible. Towards the end, I almost said something — but what would I say?!? “Excuse me sir, PLEASE ACT LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN AND STOP FARTING IN THIS ENCLOSED SPACE.” I almost barfed. If I see him again, I’ll be going to the opposite corner of the room, thank you.
Now that I’m listing everything, it seems ridiculous for me to think this week has been so bad. I suppose the lack of sleep is playing tricks on me. There are people out there with real problems, like running for their lives and bronchitis and what have you. See below:
I’m going to start taking the same attitude as Sweet Brown with the things in life that frustrate me. Hey, guy farting in my face in yoga? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
Besides, there are only two days left this week. I’m feeling more powerful already! Give me a sparkly leotard and some fancy bracelets and I can conquer the world! Right after I take a nap.
Oh wait, a nap? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!