Maybe I would use this photo for my eBloggery profile picture. I like to take car photos, wear borderline ghetto hoop earrings, and I have transition lenses. Be my friend?
Why is finding friends so difficult as an adult? I’m not talking about acquaintances you call friends. Those are easy to discover. Look around your place of work, church (if you have one), and community gatherings. I’m sure you’ll see lots of people you know on a first name basis, but that doesn’t mean you would call them last-minute because you’re dying to see a chick flick on a Sunday afternoon and you don’t want to go alone.
I’ve been reading MWF Seeking BFF, and while I’m only a couple of chapters in, I like the way she is relating finding friends as an adult to dating – because that’s totally what it is. In fact, Chelsea and I have talked about this before. We met online, through our blogs. Our relationship developed over email. After a few weeks, we decided to meet for brunch to see if we liked each other IRL. That brunch turned out to be a 4-hour event that was the start of a truly great friendship. It was meant to be.
I’ve been on bad friend dates, too. I’ve been on friend dates that started out amazing and then after the third or fourth date, something happened and the relationship fizzled. I’ve been in friendships that lasted a couple of years, and then for whatever reason, we grew apart. I’ve been in long-term friendships that have grown and changed as years have passed. All of these friendships have significance (some more positive than others), and each have added or continue to add to my life in different ways. Nothing beats the familiarity of an old friend who has known you for a decade, when the reason you are friends now is 100% different from the reason you became friends in the first place. There’s also something to be said about the excitement of meeting someone new based on your interests and place in life in this moment. And while the former is hard to find, since it’s difficult to stay in touch throughout the years, I feel that as an adult, the latter is so obscure it’s borderline urban legend.
Adult woman meets friend within a thirty mile radius in which they have the same life situation (childless, married, working woman) who enjoys visiting the same places (cafes, farmers markets, TJMaxx, thrift stores, greasy fast food joints) and has the same interests (chick lit, DIY projects, cooking, baking, excessive hoarding of makeup and hair products) who is on basically the same schedule so she is always at the ready for meeting up at a moment’s notice, or at least a day’s notice.
I feel that I have as much likelihood of meeting this person as I do of running into Bigfoot.
I wish there was a site like eHarmony for friends. Inventors of these things, are you listening?
I met my friend Marlena this way, sort of. It was on a “meet up” site where people posted on various message boards and planned for meet-ups each month. After sending a few emails back and forth, we met at brunch with several other ladies. (What is it with me and meeting people for brunch? Probably because brunch is my love language.) We were drawn to each other because, well, we were the only two non-crazies in a group of crazies. To be fair, maybe they weren’t crazies in the eyes of one other. They just didn’t fit our formula, which was that we actually liked our husbands/the men in our life. Of course, right after we met, I moved several hours away and have since only corresponded with Marlena through email/Twitter/Facebook/texting, but I’m thankful for her friendship all the same. That being said, the “meet-up site,” other than Marlena, was a flop. It wasn’t specific enough. And it needs to be terribly specific. It needs to pair you with people who are different enough from you that you can learn from them/don’t want to kill them, but also close enough that you don’t gouge your eyes out with a fork while listening to them drone on about planning their fourth wedding and their collection of Star Trek paraphernalia. As kids, a simple “Do you like Barbies? Me too!” can turn you into BFFs. As an adult, it gets slightly more complicated.
If you are an inventor of such things, here is the criteria one should be required to submit:
⇨ Relationship status – I’m a firm believer that people who are single get along better with other people who are single, and likewise with people who are in a committed relationship. I know there are exceptions, and I do have a couple of wonderful single friends. I’m generalizing here, but it’s typically the case.
⇨ Children – See above. Same concept. I can be friends with someone with kids (especially if I was friends with them before they had kids), but it all goes back to scheduling. If I want to meet for brunch (since that seems to be my thing), a mom can’t necessarily do that without extensive planning. Likewise, moms might find me incredibly crazy for relating my dogs to kids so frequently. This girl has no idea is probably what they’re thinking.
⇨ Interests – Obviously, there is a lot of wiggle room on this topic. However, if someone thinks the sun rises and sets according to their sci-fi fan fiction, they may not be soul mates with someone who likes shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch. You don’t have to be (and it’s actually preferable if you’re not) identical twins, but at the same time, you need to like some of the same things/have some things in common.
⇨ Location, location, location – While my best friends are spread all over the face of the earth, from Seattle to Alberta to Chicago to Germany and everywhere in between, I long for the days where I had a best friend within a thirty mile radius to text and make weekend plans or meet up for a walk after class/work/whatever.
Question: What would be some of your criteria for a site such as this?
There are definitely exceptions to every rule. One of my favorite people in this town has four kids. The other day, I met a girl who was pregnant and I wanted to be her friend, but I thought “What if I try to become her friend and then once the baby is born we have nothing in common?” I had been talking to her for all of 15 minutes when I thought this, by the way. This is the level of crazy my friends are up against.
All of this to say, someone invent an eHarmony for adult women who want need friends, dang it. I can’t be the only one who feels this way.
Now, who wants to drive to the middle of nowhere to meet me for brunch?
Comments on eBloggery
From Abby:
This is something I know I have written about before, and will most likely write about again. I have made adult friends I considered close, perhaps best, friends only to be dropped for some fickle reason or another (with three of them it has involved two separate weddings). I have almost reached the point of giving up on the potentiality of ever possessing a girl bff in my adult life.
From San:
No, no, Lauren, you’re not the only one who feels this way :( Most of my close friends are about 6000 miles away, so not even a weekend trip is possible. I am in dire need of a close local friend, but it’s easier said than accomplished.
From Tabaitha:
There are so many truths and reasons I relate to thos post. I have friends all over the US and some overseas. Why is it easier making friends in the most ackward years of your life (teenage years) but as an adult it’s so much harder? When we moved to Bakersfield four years ago, I knew the only way it would be ok to live that far away from our family, would be if we made friends right away. It’s just as weird and uncomfortable as dating. Thankfully, we met great people through the church we attended. But when we planned to move back to Texas, I was afraid of having to be vulnerable all over again. Most of our close friends live in the Houston area, so it has been hard opening myself up again.
From Kayleigh:
Single, distant friend from Seattle here!
My grown-up-friend-making story is different than most, and it’s largely because after college I moved 2k miles to a city where I didn’t know a soul. I knew I needed to be in community at a good church so I prayed for peace on which church to attend; it was hardly instant, but I realized about a month ago that my most treasured friends here are ones I would never have met if we hadn’t served together on the Welcome Team. None of us serve together now and we do not share lifestyle rhythms or interests, but the bond formed by serving together has proven to be a strong one.
As for you, my sweet unexpected friend: you came into my life just before I moved away, and during a really frustrating season of my life. (We had actually met a few years before when a certain friend met you at Starbucks and described you as “basically a real-life Barbie,” but it wasn’t until later that the magic really happened.) Cio had arranged a dinner date for the three of us and an evening of delicious Italian food and laughs set us up for a great friendship.
Hang in there. I have a whole lot of hope for you and your future girlfriends. It can be weird, but it’s pretty much weird for everybody, right?
From Claire:
You are totally not the only one who feels this way! I am in the saaaaaame boat! I’m dying for a good girl friend to go do things with. (and in a small town, it is slim-pickin’s!) I would be up for brunch or coffee! I’m completely serious.
From Abigail:
Oh my goodness I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished there was something like this. Finding friends is so freaking hard sometimes. It feels like all my friends are spread out all over the world but hardly any are around for brunch or a coffee date. A site that matches friends would be incredible. Too bad I’m not a programmer or I would make one myself.
From Kristina:
I totally agree with you! Since I have moved to ATX I have zero friends. I do have some friends from high school that live in Austin, however, would I want to hang out with them every weekend…not so much. Let’s just say we are on a different page!
So where will we meeting for brunch? ;)
From Chrissy (The New Me):
I can definitely relate to this. In the year before I moved, all my friends in town got pregnant and started having babies (on purpose!). And even though we were friends before, it was hard not to feel left out when we went out to lunch and they spent 30 minutes discussing car seats and cloth diapers.
I’m lucky now, because I’m back in school, in a very specific program, and have built in friends who share my interest. My social life is booming (more so than I’d like, even) but I know this is a temporary thing, and that once we graduate and scatter I will be back to square one. I think you (and I!) are lucky for liking our partners so much. When all else fails, we can hang out with them. Not quite a girlfriend for brunching and manicures, but better than nothing. ;)
From Kourtney:
Love this! I am in the same boat! I find myself married…and the only friend I have right now is my husband! Which is great…except there are things a girl would be better for, you know?!
From Marlena:
Oh let me count the 8385408935934 ways I agree and relate to this point. It’s sad, really. I just want someone I can invite over when I’m wearing sweatpants and two (possibly three) day-old hair and drink wine and laugh with. I don’t want to shop and blow money with you, I WANT REAL COMPANIONSHIP. My issue since being here is that I find the latter kind just fine. Those on the surface relationships. Except it seems like that’s ALL they want. That isn’t friendship to me. I don’t want to watch you buy crap all the time or play guidance counselor to your incessant whimper. I just want to laugh and enjoy your company. I can’t do pretentious or vapid. I will flee the scene if it continues to head down that path!
Also, “drone on about planning their fourth wedding..” I believe there was a certain someone at our table talking about a 2nd or 3rd wedding. I also believe we kept changing the subject and going back to talking to each other. :-)
From Betsey J:
I didn’t get through this whole post yet (I’m saving it in my google reader for when I have time) but I just wanted to say, hello that photo is basically the story of my life. big hoop earrings in my photos all day every day.
From CookinwVictoria:
I have actually started having better friendships since I have been married, from when I was a teenager. I moved around A LOT as a kid and never got to settle down with any group of friends. I have been going to the same church for 10 years now, and I have met a wonderful group of married ladies from my Sunday School Class. And one of my closest friends lives in another state. We text daily and play RISK for 5 hours straight, with our husbands and friends, when they come to visit.
I honestly have never been to a brunch, I have no idea where you would find one at, but it sounds wonderful.
From Alicia:
I agree that it is difficult to make friends as an adult. I was friends with someone for about 10 years, but the constant ups and downs and the talking behind my back (and everyone else’s), the excluding of people (just because) and other fun stuff I realized that this is not a true friend. Sure she is fun to hang out with every once in awhile, but boy does she bring drama. I ended up reconnecting with some friends from high school over Facebook, and it has proven to be a less stressful friendship than before.
I don’t have a problem meeting people, and I will talk to just about anyone, but trying to turn that into something that is worth it is a different story.
From Michelle @ TheDailyChelle:
I totally know what you mean! I have the added complication that my work schedule is busy and unpredictable, but I am desperate for a good, girl friend in San Diego! Yes, inventors out there, get on it! It’s one of those things that runs the risk of having lots of crazies, but the dating sites do too and it is possible to meet good genuine people on those sites if you sift through the bad ones :-)
From Jen:
Yes. Yes. And … yes. If there were such a site, I would stalk it even more than I do Facebook. It’s so very difficult to make friends as an adult, and lately, I’m in need of some good friends.
From Alice Rosenhagen:
This post made me sad. :( I am going to try to commit this to prayer. We all need close girlfriends and you are correct in that it takes time and energy to find them. It is difficult, I can imagine, if you don’t have a church home where this is easier to do. And also hard in big big cities where everyone is spread out. Hang in there Lauren…..and all of you (Chelsea) that feel the same way.
From Chelsea:
In theory it would be amazing… but I wonder if eBloggery would have matched us.
You will always be my Best Blog Friend Forever.
From Brittany:
Great topic. I moved to Austin in July and still haven’t made very many friends that i’m close to. It sucks. I would love to be your friend and have fun talking about how great our hair is!
From Laura:
I completely relate! I think that should be your next career-venture. Find some tech people to do all the hard stuff and then you can design and market it. I’d sign up!