Right now, I’m packing up and getting ready to leave Alberta. The wedding on Saturday was gorgeous. Many (happy) tears were shed and I am overjoyed for my friend and her new husband. Hopefully soon I’ll have time to go through my photos and figure out how to recap my trip. Until then, you’ll have to wait and know that my trip has been wonderful and exactly what the doctor ordered. Actually, there is no doctor. I just needed to escape the nearly-100-degree Texas weather and have myself a bit of a vacation. Don’t judge me.
While “on vacation” (i.e. not at work; the only reason I use quotation marks is because this trip has been pretty busy!) for the last week, I’ve had a lot of time to think. One of the main things I’ve thought about is how I struggle with doing things “just because.” If it’s not a special occasion, you’re probably not going to get a card from me. If a pair of shoes isn’t marked down to the price of a gallon of milk, I’m probably not going to buy them. I talk myself out of little things every day, deeming them impractical in that moment, or a waste of time or resources. I promise myself that someday, I will write that card to that dear friend just because. I dream of the perfect slip of a card, written with the perfect handwriting by the perfect pen. I promise myself that someday, I will own a pair of shoes that doesn’t fall apart a month after I buy them, and make my feet want to divorce my body. I dream of all these things and more, but never take the necessary steps to make them happen now (or at least soon).
I graduated college in December of 2007. I have wanted to go back to grad school ever since I graduated, and even before that. I’ve talked myself out of it, time and again, telling myself that there was no way possible for Michael and I to be in school at the same time, and that the timing wasn’t right, but maybe someday. I wanted to leave my previous job countless times, and had a few opportunities to do so, but stayed anyway, even though I was miserable for the better part of 3 years. So many times I’ve wanted to do things, and have talked myself out of them, simply because they weren’t practical or the timing was “wrong” or the situation wasn’t 100% ideal or perfect. I get paralyzed by fear: the fear of getting messy, the fear of being less than sensible, the fear of making mistakes, the fear of making a wrong choice, the fear of failure, the fear of someone saying “why is she wasting her time?” My perfectionism cripples me and prevents me not only from living my best life possible, but also sometimes from living at all. I go through life making safe choices and being responsible, while all the while there is a creative, spontaneous, confident girl inside me, begging to be let out and permitted to splatter everything with messy colorful paint.
And while she kind of scares me, she is everything I want to be.
This girl would grab a cheesy card she’s had for 5 years in a shoebox full of stationary, scribble inside of it with a leaky pen, and send it off to a friend. She would carve out time for herself as often as possible, to do something that other people might deem silly or completely frivolous, yet gives her joy and, most importantly, sanity. She would go back to school, even though her husband is in school and finances are already tight, because she knows that if she doesn’t go now, she may never have the opportunity again. She would stop thinking that everyone was criticizing her and realize that she is her own worst critic, and that even if people are judging her, that’s their problem, not hers. She would begin to finally, really, truly tap into her creative side, and stop being afraid of failing, especially since she’s not really sure what she would be failing at doing anyway. She would make lists, tons of them, and goals too, while being gentle with herself and realizing that while she may not accomplish all her goals and finish everything she starts, that goal-and-list-making are the best kind of therapy and a great way to get the creative juices flowing.
As we close on our new house (!!!) at the end of this month and I prepare to start school next month (!!!), I want to view this as a jumping off point. A fresh start. An amazing opportunity to put all of this into practice. It’s time to roll up my sleeves and get messy. Let’s do this.
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Comments on On getting messy.
From Joseph:
Great post. Going back to school is hard – I’m terrified and I’ve only been out for two years. But hell, what else are we gonna do right? Progress or die!
From DebbieQ:
This is a fabulous post and hit me right where I needed it.
From Reen:
This is your best post yet, Lauren. Loved it and love that you are tackling that big monster in the closet. I love you, girl.
From Kyla Roma:
I’m so glad that you’re jumping in and embracing the messiness of a life thoroughly lived! :) Taking time for yourself, just to play and relax and explore your dreams is so incredibly worthwhile- and I’m excited to see where it takes you :)
From Ashley:
Great post, very inspirational! Good luck with school and being ‘messy’! I feel the same way most of the time, so you’ve helped me feel like I CAN :)
From mandy:
I love this post. Getting messy is the best. I’m so happy to hear that you’re jumping in doing what you want to do, just because you want to do it. I’m really looking forward to seeing where it leads you.
From Jen:
Happy for you! And inspired…
From Mary:
You seem to be on the right track! I’m usually happy with any old card in my mailbox.
From Mary:
Well, and I also meant to say:
I’m so glad you got to spend time with your friend. I am happy for your happiness for her. I’m also excited for you to close on your house and start school. I think you are a brave girl. I have my thoughts on the fruitfulness brought about in a life that recognizes fear. I see lots of courageous fruit in your life. I love you.
From Suburban Sweetheart:
Beautiful post. GOOD LUCK with school! So glad you’re making the leap.
From Marlena:
As someone with a Master’s degree in something she hates…now going back for a second Bachelor’s degree in something she loves (yay!), going back to school is NOT as hard as you probably imagine. It’s exciting and you fall right back into the swing of things. I’m really excited for your new chapters to unfold. And I dig the messy Lauren most. :-)
From wishcake:
From one perfectionist to another: I totally and completely understand. You don’t even know.
I’m so over-the-moon for you right now and this new adventure you’re embarking on. You are incredible, lady. Can’t wait to hear all about all you end up doing with your life (and your NEW HOUSE AHHH!).
From Katherine:
I liked this. :) I’m so proud of you!
From San:
This is exciting! I love your approach on life. As a fellow perfectionist – I know exactly how you feel and how much effort it takes to overcome… well, yourself.
Good luck on this new journey!
From CookinwVictoria:
Great post!!!! I am totes excited that you are closing on your home and starting school soon!!!! Congratulations on everything! You will both do great!!!!
From Jill:
You have got this girl…you’ve got it!! You’re going to be awesome in school and I’m proud of you for taking the step to go back. Congratulations! :) Finishing grad school was one of the best feelings for me, even more so because I felt like it took me forever (I took 1.5 yr off from school -undergrad- after getting married , so I felt way behind). Rock it out girl!
From Garnet:
This is a fantastic post! You should be so proud of yourself!!! I can relate x4353 to the crippling perfectionism and self-criticsm, etc. I think it’s important that you know your fears, but you take control and don’t let them own you. As someone who is about to start grad school as well next month, feel free to email me ANYTIME if you need to vent, bitch, cry, ask for advice, etc. We can be a support system for each other : )
From Grace:
Great post! Taking risks is hard but I always feel so much better when I put myself out there. Have fun!
From Mendy:
Wow, I love it when you really open up and write from the heart. I enjoy your blog so much and am so happy that you are taking risks…you deserve them. May you grow wings as your step off the edge…..faith does that, you know.
From nora:
I 100% love this post.
I hope you do get messy.
And I hope you share it with us, to inspire us and show us the way cause some of us are afraid to get messy too….
From Sara:
Good luck on starting school & embracing your messy side! I feel like I can definitely relate to this. Maybe one day I will use this post as inspiration & embrace my own messiness. :)
From Reen:
Umm btw. The previous post by “me” was my mother. But i do love this one. :)