Okay y’all. I have to know. Why FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY does everyone go crazy over the Twilight movies?! Sometime last year, against my better judgement, I picked up the first book. Almost cried from boredom several times… then somewhere, halfway through, everything clicked & I suddenly loved it. Couldn’t stop reading. Picked up the second book sometime around New Years, got halfway through, & couldn’t finish. Too boring. Still haven’t picked it up. I keep meaning to finish it, so I can read the 3rd (which I thought was the final but no, apparently there’s another one of these things). It’s on one of my many lists to finish the series, and dang it, I intend to. But I’m not one of those people who makes herself wait until she finishes the book to see the movie. And for some reason, I really wanted to see Eclipse. I’m not sure why. Twilight (the movie) was bad. Movie #2 (I can’t keep up anymore) was worse. SHE SITS IN HER ROOM AND DOES NOTHING FOR LIKE, 10 WHOLE MINUTES OF THE FILM. Since when do I pay to watch an angst-ridden teen with bad eyebrows sit & sulk??? I could watch old home videos of myself circa the year 2002 if I wanted all that business. But for whatever reason, my sister & I found ourselves bored & curious (bo-curious?) on the evening of Opening Day & thought what the heck, we’ll go to the 9:30 show.
We had both worked a long day, so we changed into comfortable clothes before we left. Except I was staying at her house for the week & the only lounge clothes I had brought were booty shorts & an old T-shirt. So what do I do? Borrow her clothes of course! Except she’s 5’4″ & I’m 5’10″… so yeah. DO THAT MATH & GET BACK TO ME. So here I am, frizzy ponytail (thanks 100000000% humidity, thanks ever so much!), smeared makeup from that morning, wearing sweatpants that are too short for me by a long shot (but too awkward to pass as “capris”), & a baseball tee which I later discovered belonged to my brother-in-law, with THUNDERCATS! printed right across my ladies. I looked good, y’all. Real good. Katherine had the same thing going on, except she’s tiny & her sweatpants actually matched with her shirt, so she somehow looked cute while I just looked like The Sea Witch Who Hasn’t Slept In Years With Really Bad Taste In Clothes. We stopped at the gas station on the way & stocked up on the goods: cokes, corn nuts (because we keep it classy), gummy bears, & chocolate. (Don’t act all judgey with me, like you’ve never smuggled stuff into the movies in your giant oversized purse.) When we got to the theater at around 9:20, the girl told us that the movie was sold out. So Katherine says “We’ll take tickets to the 10 o’clock show please.” And I say very loudly “HEY! KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO? BUY TICKETS FOR THE 10 O’CLOCK BUT GO IN THE 9:30 THEATER AND SEE HOW PACKED IT IS.” And Katherine looks at me with a Death Look, and says with her eyes (which I can read because we have known each other for going on 22 years) “NO CRAP LAUREN YOU BIG DUMMY SHUT YOUR MOUTH.” And I look at the teenage girl behind the counter who is looking at us all skeptically, & suddenly I feel very judged in my THUNDERCATS! tee & feel like she has X-ray vision & can see in my purse, can see the contraband, & we’re going to be arrested by the movie police not only for sneaking in food, but also for GOING IN THE WRONG THEATER. And I’m already imagining my one phone call, and how awful my mug shot is going to look (Lohan-esque with the frizzy hair & smudged mascara), & then my sister dragged me into the theater and was all PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN. So we got through alright, checked the 9:30 theater, and what do you know? Full. Full of crazy people who want to see this movie. Which is what we kept telling ourselves. These people? They are crazy. Us? We just wanted to get out and see a movie. Never mind the fact that it’s opening day & a little later than our normal movie time choice would be. We’re just interested, okay? But we’re not like them.
So we sat through the movie. And you know what? It wasn’t bad. It was silly, yes, but it was BY FAR the best of the movies so far. I want to know how they managed to get ALL OF THE WORST ACTORS IN THE WORLD and put them in one movie. I mean, really. KStew is the worst of the worst, like the rotten cherry on top of the poop sundae. All that being said, I actually enjoyed myself & there were some good one-liners (Face it, I’m hotter than you). The most astonishing parts were as follows: a) the bad makeup/wig ensembles (Rosalie’s makeup? Eww! And KStew’s odd wiggy hairline? Weird!), b) Jasper’s newfound Texas accent (?!?! Is it just me or is that a new thing??), & c) the ALMOST FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN sitting to the right of my sister, making inappropriate comments about a certain werewolf who was young enough to be her GRANDCHILD. It gets a little creepy, you know? All in all though, great night, wonderful company (love you Keekster), lots of laughs to be had. Oh and the corn nuts were really good too.
RE: my 2nd comment, the aforementioned lady in love with Jacob said that VERY loudly as we left the theater, & yes, people really did clap at the end.
In conclusion:
-Go see Eclipse. You know you want to.
-My sister is the best.
-I’m Team Jacob & I don’t care who knows it.
Comments on Twi-likeicare (but maybe I kind of do).
From sleepyjane:
Team Jacob all the way. I went to see the movie with my bf and I could practically FEEL his eyes roll every 5 minutes.
From Erin:
oh bro.
From AshleyD:
Best post ever. I’m so glad you were able to appreciate Eclipse and all of it’s cheesiness. Wasn’t the “I’m hotter than you” line the best?! I die.
From Kyla Roma:
Love this post! I’m seeing it next week with a good girl friend, there’s a theatre with a restaurant in the same parking lot so we’re going to have drinks and then be all ridiculous and girly lol
Twilight is a so bad it’s good thing for me, and I just love it :)
From Mae:
I saw it with a group of women my age or similar (late 20′s/early 30′s) on saturday morning. Plus one girl’s 55+ year old mom. Who has a life sized cardboard RPatz as Edward cutout. That she added glitter to.
I still feel dirty, but the husband is taking me to see it again tonight and I swear to God it wasn’t my idea. I did tell him that there was a lot more fighting in this one, and that the vampires are actually starting to look different from the humans, so I guess he feels like he might as well get it over with.
The “I’m hotter than you” line killed me. The whole things was just so lusciously mockable.
From tillie:
hahaha. You are seriously awesome. I went and saw the movie with my sister and her 14 year old friend…who were both team jacob. The movie was eh. I loved the book more. The last book is my favorite {sorry, I AM that girl}. Your experience cracks me up.
From Sturgmom:
I’ll probably see the movie (and by “probably” I mean that I already have plans to go with friends on Sunday) but ONLY because I’m already invested b/c I did read all the books. They were a’ight. Not bad for some mind candy.
I’m totally with you on KStew. She has one emotion and one facial expression. How did she ever break into acting? I’ve seen better acting by the “eggs” in my college cafeteria.
From RootsAndRings:
I’ve read the books and loved them. (Which you already know so I’m not concerned that you’ll change your views of me after I’ve just admitted that.) I hated the first 2 movies but I will see this one because I feel like I have to.
TOTALLY Team Jacob. I judge anyone who is Team Edward.
From Kelly O:
Seriously – I have read all the books (mainly because they’re good mindless reading when I need to distract myself) but have only seen the first movie and that was plenty.
Now I kind of want to go so I can crunch on corn nuts and laugh in inappropriate places.
From Suburban Sweetheart:
Love this. I’m team Jacob, too, which I’m more sure of now because I saw it last night, when my friend tweeted “With @heysuburban doing something very adult and consequential, and not at all embarrassing right now.”
I sneaked Chex Mix & licorice in my purse & halfway through leaned over to my friend & said, “Just think of how much better Harry Potter will be.”
From thequeenashley:
Husband and I were talking about Jaspers accent the whole time lol he didn’t talk much in the other two but when he did to me he sounded proper and now he like fully took on the role as general lol and her kristens wig was very weird. I think it was the best movie so far and it still wasn’t even THAT great. Books always are better.
From Nora:
Hahah, loved the Team Jacob photo at the end. Cracked me up.
The third book? Not so great.
The fourth? Totally cheesy but I loved it. well, love is a strong word.
Agreed that Eclipse is the best movie so far. I don’t think that people like the movies so much as they like to start at Jacob and Edward and whoever else they think is cute in the movies. I think (hope?) the cast and directors realize that they are B movies and never going to win Oscars. And for the fans, I think it’s just a way to “see” the love story played out as if they were real people. But that’s just my .02 :)
From Leah:
I’m on the Team Jacob bandwagon too. But I’ve only ever seen the first film. I just think Robert Pattinson is ugly and annoying.
From Liz:
Mwahaha YES. Team Jacob ftw. ps; now I wish I knew your last name to add you on Facebook! Haha I’m such a cr33p.
From Heather:
Ok I’m totally blushing. I’m 41 and I do think the actor that plays Jacob is adorable. Do I lust after him? Ahhh. No. Now THAT would be a wee bit creepy.
BTW – I hope you don’t think it’s weird that some old lady follows your blog. ;-) You’re just a talented writer and adorable!
From Heather:
Lauren – your comment made my day!! :-)
Don’t you worry your pretty little head. You will look fabulous at 41 too. Even if you have 5 kids. There are no secrets except use sunscreen when you’re young. It really pays off when you hit the big 40. Eat healthy and exercise! It’s as easy as that. Thank you for your comment. It put a big smile on my face!
From Taryn M. Peine:
I’m SO Team Jacob. My problem is I just can’t suspend reality enough to believe that two guys THAT HOT AND THAT SHIRTLESS would fight over her. She’s not funny. She’s not cute. She doesn’t even have big boobs to stare at while she’s being not funny and not cute.
The end.
From MASHley:
ash – kstew really is awful. no doubt about that. her hospital scene in the first movie still cracks me up. “please don’t leave me *SEIZURE TWITCHING ATTACK*” but the books are good. i’m team edward in the books but team jacob for the movies.
as for sneaking in food, i’m all for it. matt and i decided to go to the grocery store and buy a thing of ice cream before one movie. we brought spoons and just dug in during the previews. people looked at us like we were insane (but we all know they were jealous)
From munchkin:
I agree about the makeup, it was super cakey and obvious.
best part of this whole post…”real men don’t sparkle” LOL
From Lyndsey:
OMG!!!!!!!!! LFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant believe that you were one of THOSE people!!!!!!
Obviously they should have made people who didnt read the books or care about the story watch in a completly seperate theatre!
For the record. I care. And I would have given you my best evil eye if you were in my theatre.
From exgf2009:
I’m sitting here at my desk on my last day of my job and I’m cracking up, crying and mascara is running down my face. I’m pretty sure my co-workers think I’m crying b/c I’m leaving but no – no that’s not it at all.
I’ve never read the books either, well scratch that, I read the first one couldn’t bear the second one and just watch the flicks…..
Go Jacob!
From jody:
saw this today and it made me think of your love for kstew… http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-many-facial-expressions-of-kristen-stewart/
From Kristina:
KStew has to be the dullest actress (and probably person – have you ever seen her smile in pictures? Exactly.) known to mankind. Why on EARTH was she casted? Even in the books, Bella is not dull. She is just irritatingly fragile and whiny, but she’s not dull.
Oy vey.
From E.P.:
This makes me laugh because I had the same issues with the movie. (Makeup/hair/accents, etc. Booooooo!) But the overall thing? Very enjoyable.
The only thing I didn’t like was the stupid teenage girls (and maybe older women) who literally SCREAMED whenever Jacob was on the screen. … Yeah.
From Kayleigh:
I don’t know why we’re even talking about the book. Taylor Lautner was not in the book.
From Brittney:
I have to agree. If Rosalie’s black eyebrows and Bella’s scenes varying from real hair to wig/hat weren’t distracting enough, Jasper’s wig is ALWAYS something that makes my eye twitch. Sadly, I read all four books and the way I describe them is.. if you can just get past Stephanie Meyer’s terrible writing, the books 1-3 aren’t so bad. THAT BEING SAID, if you haven’t read them and go see the fourth… the plot and its utter lame cheese will be so uncomfy, you might stab your eyes out. I warned you lol.
From Kristin:
I enrage my Twihard sis by screaming Team Jacob at her even thought I have not see or read any of the Twilight biznaz. I just think that Taylor is a hottie Mchottie! HA!
From steph anne:
Haha, my girlfriends and I always do the same thing by buying snacks & stuffing them into our oversized purses. Maybe if the theaters didn’t have overpriced snacks then maybe we wouldn’t need to be sneaking our own snacks inside!
Team Jacob here too — not because of the looks but 1 of the many reasons is because I’d like to be with someone warmer….instead of someone stone cold.
From jimaie.marie:
this made me lawl
“KStew is the worst of the worst, like the rotten cherry on top of the poop sundae”