Appendixes make great finger puppets.

November 23 | Posted in Uncategorized

Appendixes make great finger puppets.

Here it is, the story of My Trip To The Hospital. I’m warning you now, this may get a little lengthy.

3am Sunday morning: I woke up with the same pain I experienced Labor Day weekend. Right away, I knew it was the same thing, but I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t. I got up and took some sleeping pills, thinking, If I could just go back to sleep, I could sleep this off and feel better. It didn’t happen. I laid down on the couch with a heating pad and tried to overlook the pain by watching TV. That didn’t work. Hours were passing. I got in a hot bath. That worked for about 5 seconds, and then the pain would start up again.

What did the pain feel like? Knives. Hundreds and thousands of knives being gouged and twisted into my guts. Hey, you asked.

At about 5am, Michael woke up and said, “Honey, what’s wrong?” I answered, “The same thing as last time.” I think we were both freaking out because we didn’t want to go all the way back to the Emergency Room for a case of food poisoning. He started asking me questions: What have I eaten over the last few days? etc. By now, I was hovering over the toilet, taking turns vomiting, writhing in pain, and moaning. Sorry, I never promised this story was going to be pretty.

By 7am, he had our doctor (who is also a family friend) on the phone, and I was sprawled on the bathroom floor, literally about to black out from the pain. OH MY GOSH THE PAIN. I never want to go through that kind of pain again unless I am passing a child through my woman-parts. It hurt so. bad.

By 8am, we were at the ER, checking in. I was vomiting continually and couldn’t sit up straight from the pain. I don’t understand why the ER people insisted on asking ME all the questions. Um, this is my husband, he is very capable of giving you our address, oh yeah, and he’s not SHRIEKING IN PAIN. I didn’t get any pain medicine until almost 9am. Then the nurse gave me morphine. It hardly did anything. Then she gave me more. And more. I’m not sure how much she gave me but I know it was a lot, and I was still in pain. This was serious business.

The doctor came in and chastised us for not seeing a gastrointestinal doctor after my last episode. Michael took the beating and at that point, I didn’t care. JUST GIVE ME DRUGS. Then he ordered a CAT scan, which meant I had to drink tons of chalky liquid so they could see my insides a little better. Excuse me, what part of “vomiting all over the place” didn’t they understand? Oh, and he stuck his finger up my butt. That was nice.

Somehow, I drank all the liquid and had the CAT scan. The rest of that day is kind of a blur. They moved me to a different room and continued to pump me full of medicine. They took blood and urine samples and ran all kinds of tests. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. By that time, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was about to spend my first night in the hospital.

My sister stayed with me the first night, and slept in the hospital bed with me. She’s the best. They woke us up all night to take vitals, blood, etc. Not exactly the most conducive environment for resting and/or feeling better. After I had been there for 23 hours, they moved me to another room. I was now an inpatient. And getting impatient.

See?

When people started to come to visit, and brought flowers, I thought, Man, there is really something wrong with me. For whatever reason, the doctors were having trouble figuring it out. First they said I had an obstructed bowel. Then they found a cyst on my ovary. Apparently I have all kinds of issues. They dragged me out of that bed for X-rays and tests so many times I wanted to kill someone. There was this one guy who was basically in charge of wheeling me from one place to another, and every time he saw me, he would say, “We just can’t keep you away from here.” Um, not funny after the EIGHTIETH TIME, BUDDY. Throughout this entire time, I was in pain. They kept giving me medicine, but all it really did was take the edge off the pain to make it tolerable. I watched lots and lots of TV and dozed off and on throughout the next 3 days. The hospital had a “Newborn Channel,” which was complete with all sorts of instructions for moms with newborn babies. I am of the opinion that they should block that channel from everyone’s room EXCEPT mothers of newborns, because NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THAT MANY NIPPLES WHEN THEY ARE FLIPPING THROUGH LOOKING FOR A NEW EPISODE OF THE SOUP. Michael, my dad, and my sister were all in the room (on different occasions) when I passed by that channel, and all were like, “WHAT THE HECK CHANNEL WAS THAT?” Oh that? It’s hospital porn. Get used to it, people.

By this time, I have so many needle holes in my arms I look like a heroin addict. One nurse acted like she had never done an IV before; she stuck me like a pig and as blood was gushing EVERYWHERE she said, “It’s good that it’s bleeding, it means I found the vein!” Congratulations. Remind me to give you a blood-spattered gold medal when I regain consciousness.

One of my IV needles. Don’t ask me why I took a picture. Or why I posted it just now. I cannot be held responsible for my actions at this point.

On Wednesday, which was my 2nd wedding anniversary, I lost it. I had not been allowed to eat anything, ANYTHING, not even ICE CHIPS, for two days, and then they had given me clear liquids only on the third day. That morning, one of my many doctors ordered me a full breakfast – bacon, eggs, everything – and had it sent to my room. I almost came unglued. The smell of the food made me nauseous, but mostly I was so angry that I was getting four different opinions from four different doctors. Michael came in to wish me a happy anniversary, and leaned over the hospital bed to give me a kiss, and I just started bawling. I mean, I was in a hospital gown with bad breath and bed head. I couldn’t hug him or get dressed up and go to dinner with him. We couldn’t perform our “married duties.” Nothing. It was depressing. But he was a champ. He kept saying, “This isn’t our anniversary. Our anniversary will happen when you get better and we’re able to celebrate.” I had written him a letter at 3:30am that morning professing my undying love for him; it was the only present I had to give him. He loved it. I love him.

My sister came to the hospital and gave me a makeover and a manicure. After she helped me shower. I think that’s when you know your sister loves you. My favorite quote: “Lauren, I love you, but you’re going to have to towel off your butt yourself.” BUT WHYYY??

After my makeover, and, from the looks of it, a heavy dose of morphine.

Wednesday afternoon they brought me to take another X-ray, and some cocky doctor from radiology came in and told Michael, “I think it’s her appendix.” I started weeping. I wanted to reach up and strangle him. WHY HAVE I BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL FOR FOUR DAYS FOR AN APPENDIX?

Well, he was right.

They ran another CAT scan (by now I was glowing, and not in the good way) and discovered that hey! Her appendix is gigantic! It’s twice the size it should be and it’s twisted around itself! Apparently it looked like my small intestine. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but it would seem like that should have been a little easier to figure out. Oh well.

I would like to stress that I was asked no less than 20 times by various doctors and nurses if I was pregnant. As I was going into surgery, the anesthesiologist (between telling fart jokes) asked me if I was pregnant, and I said “There’s no way. I was on my period when I got here, and I certainly haven’t gotten busy in the hospital bed.” Not to mention I had had an ultrasound and various urine tests. And he was still all, “Well they should have given you a pregnancy test anyway.” Sometimes medicine makes no sense to me.

11/18, Happy Anniversary to me.

On Wednesday evening, MY ANNIVERSARY, I went into surgery to have that awful thing taken out of my body. Well, first I got to use the bedside toilet they provided, which was basically a chair and a bowl, with my sister and husband both in the room. No pressure, right? Oh yeah, then my dad walked in.

This was taken by Michael, right before surgery, “for my blog.” Try not to be too jealous of how good I look in a shower cap.

After surgery, the surgeon said he had never seen anything like it. My doctor said I was only the second case of “Chronic Appendicitis” he’s ever seen. My family friend/doctor said I’m the only person he knows who’s ever had it. They sent away my appendix to run all kinds of tests on it because obviously I am a freak of nature with a psycho appendix. I keep telling myself this, over and over again, to make myself feel better that I was in the hospital for FIVE DAYS because of an APPENDIX.

Patient: Hey, what do you do with an appendix after you’ve removed it?
Turk: We make finger puppets.

For whatever reason, Michael thought it necessary for everyone to see “Before & After” surgery pictures.

Here’s my tummy before. I was already getting a little poofy.

After surgery, really poofy, with bandages. Exciting, I know.

I went home on Thursday, and have been here ever since. The only reason I haven’t posted yet is because a) I have been trying to think of a funny way to say all of this, and have been horribly unsuccessful, b) I have been trying to catch up on some of the work I missed while in the hospital, and c) I’ve been watching lots and lots of horrible TV under the influence of hydrocodone. Mmm.

A HUGE thank you to all of you who have been there for me throughout this time. My incredible family (both sides) and amazing friends (Cio & Sarah), who came to visit and brought lots of little “survival goodies.” Everyone who called my husband and family to ask if I was OK. My iPhone never left my hand (well, they wouldn’t let me take it into surgery, but other than that) and every time I checked and saw a new comment or tweet from one of you, it made my heart feel a little bit better. So many sweet notes, thoughts, and prayers – I am truly overwhelmed and feel so blessed and undeserving. This whole experience has been a giant flashing neon sign of how wonderful my little online community is and how much I adore each and every one of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Note: My husband is a saint and should be placed upon a golden pedestal. He has continued to be my support, not only while at the hospital, but since we’ve been home. He tells me I look beautiful every day, even though my stomach is so swollen from surgery that I look like I’m 6 months pregnant. He holds me, rubs my back, gets me anything I need, and is a constant reminder of how thankful I am to call him my husband of 2 years.

My sister took this little “Anniversary Photoshoot” for us.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some DVR-ed episodes of the Tyra show that aren’t going to watch themselves.

Comments on Appendixes make great finger puppets.

From Amy --- Just A Titch:

Awww, I am soooo glad that you are better! You cracked me up with the blood-spattered gold medal comment, btw. I’m impressed with the sense of humor despite the terrible ordeal!

Take good care of yourself as you recover!

From happykatie:

Oh lady, you are SO brave!! I’m glad you’re home and healthy – it sounds like you had quite an adventure. Jeepers.

Here’s to a friggin’ ridiculously short recovery!!!! Every anniversary after this will feel like 2 weeks in Club Med :)

You and your hubby look lovely in your anniversary photo shoot pics. Two kids in love, even if shot post-surgery, are a beautiful sight. Congrats!

From Tabaitha:

Hope you feel better sweetie! I still think you look fabulous despite the hospital gown, and the shower cap. You make getting your appendix out look good.

From Ed Schipul:

Wow, what an ordeal. But hey, congratulations to you and Michael on your second anniversary!

And of course great to hear about a healthy outcome to surgery. After 19 years of marriage myself I can only imagine how scary it was.

From Katherine:

awwww, my poor Lola, what a traumatic experience. I would take care of you all over again if I had to, but please, do everything in your power to see that I dont have to. ;) I LOVE YOU!

From steph anne:

I hope the next time you’ll have to go to the hospital is when you’re pregnant! :) You look stunning for someone who’s in the hospital for that many days! Congratulations on your 2nd anniversary. I hope you two can celebrate soon and consider it a part-two celebration!

From Meghan:

Oh, and he stuck his finger up my butt.

Thank you for that. I laughed so hard! Then I felt bad, because that finger is never really that pleasant when your appendix is exploding.

Feel better! So glad you are okay!!

From mediumcrazy:

Figuring out a way to tell the story = accomplished. Making me late for work = also accomplished.

Sorry for the horrible life trauma though! Your sister and husband sound pretty amazing btw. And once many, many years have gone by, you might actually enjoy telling this anniversary story to your children.

From Jill:

I’m so glad you’re feeling better! What a crappy ordeal. You should “accidentally on purpose” see that some of those nurses (i.e. the one who needs the bloody gold medal) ends up with your blog address, haha. Maybe then she’ll go back to LPN 101!

From Joe:

1. I’m glad they finally figured it out.

2. It’s good to have you back to almost normal.

3. And happy belated 2nd anniversary.

And you somehow found some humor along they way, so well done.

From Sarah:

Whoa. Glad you’re still alive.

Could you please go on that show on TLC…”Medical Emergencies” or whatever it is called…the one where people have freak problems and they figure out the mystery? Thanks in advance.

From Sarah:

By the way, I totally would have kicked my sister out for looking so damn cute and perky WHILE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!

What a jerk. (But she gets bonus points for being nice and taking anniversary photos.)

Also, this whole ordeal reminds me of when I first started dating my now fiancee…I got sick and had to be in the hospital and was on all sorts of pain meds and would call him with strange questions about midgets and also confessed my secret dreams to him (i.e. being a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader)

From Samantha:

I think you were successful in coming up with a funny way to tell this experience. :) I’m so sorry this all happened to you, especially that they dragged it on for 5 days. But I’m glad to hear that you’re on the road to recovery now! Hope you & your hubby get to celebrate your anniversary the right way very soon.

From Kyla Roma:

Oh my goodness, I’m so glad you have this worked out now and that you can just recover!!

Happy belated-anniversary! =)

From Nora:

I’m just glad that you are okay! Appendix surgeries are not fun, nor are the three little holes they poke in you to pull them out.

I love how great your family is and Michael seems just great! I don’t suppose he has a brother? ;-)

Sending you continued get well wishes!

From Polly R:

You poor thing! It sounds like absolute hell! Well done for getting through it x

From dottiedags:

Awww you poor poor woman. That sounded absolutely god-awful and I am so sorry you went through it. As a plus side, you still look super cute even when high on morphine and swollen wearing a shower cap. :-) You won’t believe that, I know, I wouldn’t either if it were me but I had to throw it out there.

Those doctors sound like morons. I’d have been LIVID. I mean really. There are just no words to describe how ridiculous that was BUT – I’m glad ONE of the medical school graduates at least listened in school and figured it out before the freakish appendix killed you!!

From Sturgmom:

What a crazy ordeal. So glad you are finally healing!!

From legalstyle:

that husband of yours is pure gold, darling. i’m so glad you’re back at home and in his care.

i’ll be thinking of you..!

From Our Happy Married Life:

wow! glad you are feeling better. That’s quite the story. Look on the bright side…you’ll always be able to top your anniversary night from here on out, right?!?

From Alicia:

I had a similar experience where they did all kinds of tests and catscans and x-rays and they could not figure out why I was in such extreme pain (yes I also had the pleasure of vomiting from it). Two day’s later they knew that there was an infection, but they could not tell where it was coming from. That was when I got the news that they were going to open me up for exploratory surgery (do not fall for that line ever, horrible scar from it). Turns out I had a grapefruit sized cyst on my right ovary that burst and took out my right ovary and appendix with it. Spent another 3 fun filled days in the hospital with 14 staples keeping my stomach held together, while discovering that I was not only allergic to codeine, but also morphine and vicodin. So they would give me nausea injections in my hips, that left humongous bruises. Such an awesome experience to go through. I feel for you! I wish you an awesome recovery and an even better Anniversary celebration when you are feeling better!
P.S. Did they fill your belly up with air for the surgery? Because I also know how much fun that process is to remove all that air!

From Chelsea Hurst:

Hey remember that creepy vein you had on your hand after your last ER trip? And how you didn’t like needles being stuck in your because they leave marks that stay for a long time?

Yeah…

From Kim Pennell:

Lauren. What a nightmare. I’m so glad you posted pics – you knew I wanted all the gory details! On the serious side- we are thankful that you are better. Now you better lay off the sauce (as Buck says) and gain strength! oh yea- watch those episodes of Tyra! And the Soup! (not nipps) love you! Kimp