I am famous for two things. NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK. Bargain shopping and making returns. Ask anyone who knows me well. Shortly after Michael and I got married, I realized that my curling iron had been damaged during the move. The thing was at least a year old and covered in hairspray. I had no box and no receipt. The next time we went to Wal-Mart, I brought it along. Michael was rolling his eyes, telling me, “Yeah right babe, they’re not going to take that back.” WATCH THEM. I marched right up to Customer Service, handed them my curling iron and said, “Hi, I bought this here, and now it’s broken.” The lady looked at it, and looked at me, and said, “Go pick out a new one and bring it back up here.” Michael followed me back to the Health & Beauty section with his mouth agape. I TOLD YOU SO.
I return everything. I have slept on sheets and decided I didn’t like them, stuffed them back in the packaging, and returned them, still warm. I have reattached tags to clothes and shoes after wearing them once (or twice) and deciding I didn’t need them or they rubbed blisters on my feet or whatever. The thing about it is, I don’t try to lie. I tell the person behind the counter exactly how I feel. I think they are so surprised that they really don’t know what to do, so they exchange/return/refund. I don’t always get my money back, but I will take an exchange or store credit any day. It makes me crazy to let something sit at my house, or HORROR OF HORRORS, throw it away, when I know full well I could get something else! That I like more! I mean, why not?!
When we were engaged, I registered for silverware, and someone bought it for me. About a month into our marriage, the silverware started to corrode. Then I noticed on the side of the box (which I had kept, because I am That Woman): “HAND WASH ONLY.” Excuse me? Hand wash only? Um, yeah, I’ll get right on that, after I make my own bread and SEW MYSELF A NICE DRESS. So what did I do? Put that rusty silverware in a Ziploc bag and trooped into Bed, Bath, & Beyond. They took it back, GAVE ME CASH, and I bought another set, dishwasher safe this time, and had money left over. A few months later, the same thing happened. Long story short, I have been married for almost 2 years, and I have owned about 5 different sets of silverware. As long as they keep corroding, I WILL KEEP RETURNING. One of these days, someone from Bed, Bath, & Beyond is going to pull up an account of some kind and be all, “Excuse me ma’am? I see here that you have purchased a few kitchen utensils, a vacuum, some towels, AND SEVERAL HUNDRED SETS OF SILVERWARE.” And I will have a nice 40-piece set in my hand and reply, “Your point?”
This weekend was wonderful. After I made my Bed, Bath, & Beyond trek on Saturday, Michael and I went to the wedding of one of his childhood friends. Childhood Friend Weddings mean one thing: Everyone CAN and WILL ask you EXACTLY when you plan on having children. And they did. Many, many times. If I had a nickel for every time I had to say, “We’re really enjoying the NEWNESS of our marriage, and getting to KNOW ONE ANOTHER,” I’d have at least enough change to buy a Kit Kat. One of those big, King-sized ones.
Sunday, I made the trip to Chelsea’s house for the Pampered Chef party. The whole time, I was saying, “No really, I’m not going to buy anything, I’m just here for the free food.” But then I saw the Avocado Peeler. You know, I do like to make guacamole. And I saw the nylon Pan Scrapers. My mom had some of those when I was a kid and boy, they could scrape the crap out of some burnt-on scrambled eggs. And then, my friends, I saw this:
I don’t need to go into my unhealthy love affair with canned tuna, or the dilemma that faces me every time I try to drain a can and lose half my tuna down the sink. When I saw this small piece of plastic, I knew we were going to have a long and special relationship.
I drew the line after that, not only because I was trying to save money, but also because my kitchen is small and I already own many, many gadgets, but OH MY GOSH. I could have easily spent several hundred dollars without batting an eyelash (if I didn’t think my husband would kill me when I got home). Before I knew it, I was telling the representative, “I’ll totally host a party! Is this a pretty lucrative job? Do you get a lot of discounts?” I think at that point, Chelsea should have told me to step away from the spatula.
Speaking of Chelsea, I know I say this all the time, but can I say it again, just once more, I LOVE HER. She is awesome. On top of that, her husband is hilarious, and it’s no wonder she has a blog. If she didn’t I think she would explode, because WHERE WOULD SHE WRITE THE FUNNY THINGS THAT MAN SAYS, and boy, does he say some funny things. My favorite quote of the night was when Chelsea and I were talking (probably a little too passionately and fervently) about the Biggest Loser, and Stephen is all, “I think my favorite part about that show is seeing such a wide variety of nipples.” Anyway, if you’re not a Roots & Rings reader, get your butt over there right now. Enough said.
Well my lovelies, it’s bedtime for Lauren. I have a busy day tomorrow, complete with a hair appointment! I can hardly contain my excitement, since my bangs have practically grown down to my toes and my roots could rival Carrie Bradshaw’s, a la Season 6, albeit less fabulous.
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I will leave you with a few car pictures (it wouldn’t be a weekend recap post without them) of my lover and I, before the wedding:
I know, I know. We will have cute babies. Everyone at the wedding already told us.
Victoria says:
OMG Lauren you are HILARIOUS!!!!! And now I need to make sure that our silverware is dishwasher safe lol
Jenna Hargett says:
Lauren-
Have you ever successfully returned Forever 21 jewelry and/or accessories or received a store credit?
Stephanie says:
HA! Way to go on returning things! My husband is totally gifted in the returns department. (It’s his delicious little dimple!) He has returned too many weird things to count….a half eaten cake (That we swear was missing an ingredient), a used pool, a nintendo that was struck by lightening….. That dimple works miracles. Please tell your husband that it doesn’t work that way for everyone. I have tried to make legitimate returns and been turned away! So frustrating! Perhaps it is that as soon as I cross the wal-mart threshold I instantly become tense! LOL! No…seriously…you two would make beautiful babies! ;-)
Meghan says:
I usually just leave the top of the can on the tuna, turn it upside down and squeeze to get the juices out. It took me a couple years to perfect the technique (i.e. not have fish hands for the rest of the day).
And I can so relate to the returning thing. I have gone to great lengths to return something months later, just because I knew I would never use it. If that doesn’t work, I just sell it on Amazon. :)
DebbieQ says:
I have a feeling that you and my mother would get along VERY well for she is known for her ability to return anything. That includes custom made blinds. I accompanied her on that particular trip and I stood (or sat as the case may be) in amazement as she convinced the manager of the JC Penny store that he just had to take the blinds back because they just would not do.
Kapachino says:
Wow, my mom would be SO proud of you! If only she could have passed that gene down to me. You’ll have to teach me some of your thrifty ways.
sarah says:
lauren i request you send me some of your guts.. immediately please. i quiver and quake at the mere thought of returning anything!
Sarah says:
So…when are you guys having kids?
:)
Nora says:
I’ve never really tried to return anything. I usually just keep it in a closet and hope I can regift it or that someday I’ll have a use for it.
Erroding silverware? That’s just uncool!
Kristin says:
A girl after my own heart. I love a good bargain! And Lauren…your makeup looks GORG!
Chelsea Hurst says:
I love you too, friend!
Alice Rosenhagen says:
you go girl!!! Keep on returning that stuff – I love that you return shoes when they give you blisters. Wish I had the guts – no, wish I had kept the box and receipt! I don’t know how many pair of shoes I have that feel horrible after once. Missed seeing you at Pampered Chef party – heard it was fun. I bought WAY too much stuff and I wasn’t even there! (how did I miss that cute and nifty thing-a-ma-jig you bought for your cans???) Beautiful pics of you and your “lover” but if you keep calling him that you WILL be having babies soon!
Joe says:
“We’re really enjoying the NEWNESS of our marriage, and getting to KNOW ONE ANOTHER.”
I’m stealing this, just so you know. I haven’t been able to get my mom to stop dropping hints. Although my efforts may still be fruitless, it’s worth a shot.
HoustonGurly says:
I love my Pampered Chef!! :)
katyhelena says:
Dang, girl! Your returning ability is insane! I’m going to have to try something like that out soon.
You look gorgeous in your pics, and of course you’ll have cute babies (but I think it’s great you’re waiting and enjoying your marriage first for a while–I plan to do the same).
And I TOTALLY lose my tuna while I drain it too! I’m going to go out in search of this little white plastic wonder…
Cio says:
a) LOVE THAT STRAINER THINGY
b) the whole returning thing… it reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld, when Jerry is dating this gorgeous woman, and he loves the fact that she can get away with anything…ANY.THING…all she has to do is ask…
lol.
I’m going to have you return stuff for me. I NEVER do.
mandy says:
Fun pictures. This post remind me of my friends grandma. That woman is the queen of taking things back (much like yourself). She bought a watermelon ate half of it decided it was bad, took it back to an entirely different store and was able to get a new one. Its crazy the things shes been able to take back. Me, not so much. Good for you though!
kristi says:
Too funny!! People ask me if I’m pregnant, I say, NOPE JUST FAT AND HAPPY!
dottiedags says:
We have an opposite wedding silverware story. We received a really nice set that we registered for and yet we still use our el cheapo $9.99 set from Target that we got back in 2005 when we moved in together. The nice set is still in the box it came in. Recently, during dinner, my fork literally BROKE and we busted out laughing. We were like “why don’t we use our new set??” And yet still, in the garage it stays. We have decided we have issues and either, a) do not feel we deserve NICE flatware [which is slightly crazy] or b) we’re just saving it for the gorgeous home we plan to buy in a year-ish. By then the mystical set will be 3 years young….and still in its brand spankin’ new box.
Thus concluding the longest most pointless blog comment EVER!