I am famous for two things. NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK. Bargain shopping and making returns. Ask anyone who knows me well. Shortly after Michael and I got married, I realized that my curling iron had been damaged during the move. The thing was at least a year old and covered in hairspray. I had no box and no receipt. The next time we went to Wal-Mart, I brought it along. Michael was rolling his eyes, telling me, “Yeah right babe, they’re not going to take that back.” WATCH THEM. I marched right up to Customer Service, handed them my curling iron and said, “Hi, I bought this here, and now it’s broken.” The lady looked at it, and looked at me, and said, “Go pick out a new one and bring it back up here.” Michael followed me back to the Health & Beauty section with his mouth agape. I TOLD YOU SO.
I return everything. I have slept on sheets and decided I didn’t like them, stuffed them back in the packaging, and returned them, still warm. I have reattached tags to clothes and shoes after wearing them once (or twice) and deciding I didn’t need them or they rubbed blisters on my feet or whatever. The thing about it is, I don’t try to lie. I tell the person behind the counter exactly how I feel. I think they are so surprised that they really don’t know what to do, so they exchange/return/refund. I don’t always get my money back, but I will take an exchange or store credit any day. It makes me crazy to let something sit at my house, or HORROR OF HORRORS, throw it away, when I know full well I could get something else! That I like more! I mean, why not?!
When we were engaged, I registered for silverware, and someone bought it for me. About a month into our marriage, the silverware started to corrode. Then I noticed on the side of the box (which I had kept, because I am That Woman): “HAND WASH ONLY.” Excuse me? Hand wash only? Um, yeah, I’ll get right on that, after I make my own bread and SEW MYSELF A NICE DRESS. So what did I do? Put that rusty silverware in a Ziploc bag and trooped into Bed, Bath, & Beyond. They took it back, GAVE ME CASH, and I bought another set, dishwasher safe this time, and had money left over. A few months later, the same thing happened. Long story short, I have been married for almost 2 years, and I have owned about 5 different sets of silverware. As long as they keep corroding, I WILL KEEP RETURNING. One of these days, someone from Bed, Bath, & Beyond is going to pull up an account of some kind and be all, “Excuse me ma’am? I see here that you have purchased a few kitchen utensils, a vacuum, some towels, AND SEVERAL HUNDRED SETS OF SILVERWARE.” And I will have a nice 40-piece set in my hand and reply, “Your point?”
This weekend was wonderful. After I made my Bed, Bath, & Beyond trek on Saturday, Michael and I went to the wedding of one of his childhood friends. Childhood Friend Weddings mean one thing: Everyone CAN and WILL ask you EXACTLY when you plan on having children. And they did. Many, many times. If I had a nickel for every time I had to say, “We’re really enjoying the NEWNESS of our marriage, and getting to KNOW ONE ANOTHER,” I’d have at least enough change to buy a Kit Kat. One of those big, King-sized ones.
Sunday, I made the trip to Chelsea’s house for the Pampered Chef party. The whole time, I was saying, “No really, I’m not going to buy anything, I’m just here for the free food.” But then I saw the Avocado Peeler. You know, I do like to make guacamole. And I saw the nylon Pan Scrapers. My mom had some of those when I was a kid and boy, they could scrape the crap out of some burnt-on scrambled eggs. And then, my friends, I saw this:
I don’t need to go into my unhealthy love affair with canned tuna, or the dilemma that faces me every time I try to drain a can and lose half my tuna down the sink. When I saw this small piece of plastic, I knew we were going to have a long and special relationship.
I drew the line after that, not only because I was trying to save money, but also because my kitchen is small and I already own many, many gadgets, but OH MY GOSH. I could have easily spent several hundred dollars without batting an eyelash (if I didn’t think my husband would kill me when I got home). Before I knew it, I was telling the representative, “I’ll totally host a party! Is this a pretty lucrative job? Do you get a lot of discounts?” I think at that point, Chelsea should have told me to step away from the spatula.
Speaking of Chelsea, I know I say this all the time, but can I say it again, just once more, I LOVE HER. She is awesome. On top of that, her husband is hilarious, and it’s no wonder she has a blog. If she didn’t I think she would explode, because WHERE WOULD SHE WRITE THE FUNNY THINGS THAT MAN SAYS, and boy, does he say some funny things. My favorite quote of the night was when Chelsea and I were talking (probably a little too passionately and fervently) about the Biggest Loser, and Stephen is all, “I think my favorite part about that show is seeing such a wide variety of nipples.” Anyway, if you’re not a Roots & Rings reader, get your butt over there right now. Enough said.
Well my lovelies, it’s bedtime for Lauren. I have a busy day tomorrow, complete with a hair appointment! I can hardly contain my excitement, since my bangs have practically grown down to my toes and my roots could rival Carrie Bradshaw’s, a la Season 6, albeit less fabulous.
I will leave you with a few car pictures (it wouldn’t be a weekend recap post without them) of my lover and I, before the wedding:
I know, I know. We will have cute babies. Everyone at the wedding already told us.