I live in a fairly small city outside of Houston, Texas. Small compared to Houston. My small city is surrounded by smaller cities, and you know what “small rural city in East Texas” means.
Rednecks.
I try to avoid the local Super Wal-Mart as much as possible. I Kroger- and Target-it as much as I can. But you know, sometimes Wal-Mart’s prices are just so dang unbeatable. If I need a lot of stuff, I suck it up and go to Wal-Mart. But then I am forced to deal with a certain demographic. I refer to this group of people as “The Unwashed Masses.”
The Unwashed Masses are typically, well, unwashed. They wear muscle shirts when there is, in fact, not a single muscle to be seen. They wear short shorts when they have no business to be doing so. They wear their pajamas (complete with a stray curler or two and an old pair of slippers) out in public. They wear lots of camo, sweatpants, jean shorts, and T-Shirts with retarded sayings (see here, here, and here). The best (and by best I mean the very worst) thing about The Unwashed Masses is their lack of discretion and tact. One might often strike up a conversation with a complete stranger about the state of their financial situation, baby mama drama, or bowel movements.
Last night, I wound up at Wal-Mart for some groceries and household items. I am busy this week, and have a family birthday party to go to on Thursday night. My sister-in-law recently gave me a super cute strapless dress, but I need a strapless bra to go underneath it, and currently don’t have one. So I slipped into the underwear (I think Wal-Mart refers to it as “Intimates”… lovely) department in search of one… Mistake #1. Wait, Mistake #1 was going to Wal-Mart in the first place. Mistake #2 was thinking that I could find something of that sort at Wal-Mart, and Mistake #3 was actually carrying through with that thought.
So there I am, wandering through the extremely limited selection, and hoping no one I know sees me. Finally, I find the “Wall O’ Strapless Bras,” but there’s one problem. A couple (couple of what?) is standing in front of said wall. The man is wearing tight jeans, a tucked-in plaid shirt, a big belt, boots, and a camo baseball cap. The woman is redneck by default. That is not the troubling part.
I swear to you… she was standing there, and he was HOLDING A BRA OVER HER SHIRT, trying to make the ends meet, trying to clasp it, and they were having a CONVERSATION, like what they were doing was TOTALLY NORMAL.
Her: “Honey, I don’t think it’s gonna fit.”
Him: “The ends ain’t meetin’… hang on, I’ll make it fit.”
Her: “Ooof, it ain’t fittin’ honey.”
Him: “You’re right baby, I think you need a bigger one.”
Next time Michael asks, “Can’t you buy your own tampons?” I will hold up my hand and say, “Would you like to help me try on bras in Wal-Mart?”
And then we’ll go make out in the 7-11 parking lot.
Comments on The Dirty South.
From Kym:
one word: classy. hahaha! ;P
From Chelsea Hurst:
Walmart scares me. And really, I’m shocked – I didn’t think the typical Walmart shopper even wore bras. Don’t they normally go without? Must’ve been a special occasion.
From Kitty:
Ah Wal-Mart. I used to hate the place until I moved to Europe and realize that any place where you can actually find more than one item that you actually need 24 hours a day is heaven. Plus it has its own parking lot! Bonus!!!
From Katherine:
Hey now, I shop at wal-mart. We’re not all butt scratching hillbillies. :P although why anyone puts themselves through: -Standing in a checkout line for 45 minutes because they have only 3 out of their 50 registers open. -Being walked up to and asked by 40ish year old men “how is your day going?”, “Very well until you invaded my personal bubble old turd.” -OR being so terrified to walk through the parking lot that I try to get away with being a 112 pound “expectant mother”. :) oh the things we do to save a few bucks.
From BJ:
Wal-Mart, Kmart all sell imported cheap trash! Kinda expect the poor quality along with the low prices! Stop fighting at 4:00AM to save a buck on cheap workout clothes! Stay home, save money and shop online for American made ladies sportswear and gym clothes by Physique Bodyware USA. They have great low sale prices and no Braless Yahoo’s scratching their butts!
From Mara:
Haha, I live in Dallas proper but the closest WalMart is not in the nicest of areas–I wouldn’t be surprised to see some of this behavior there! I never knew so much Texas pride-inspired merchandise existed until I moved here and went to Walmart!
From Rebecca is Thrilled by the Thought:
Hilarious. I’ve often pondered the name Muscle Tee, since those with muscles never seem to be the ones wearing these types of shirts!
From Robbie C.:
At least it was a couple and not like a mother and son… count your blessings.
From sarah:
question : how many rednecks have double names? Like billy-bob and mary-ellen?
From storytimewithnicole:
My day is salvaged because you mentioned muscle tees with nary a muscle in sight.
Thank you.
From Kristin:
Where are ya? I lived in Houston for a couple years. I only braved the Wal Mart once and never went back.
From Reen:
holy frijoles. sounds like fort pierce :)
From Sturgmom:
I’m from a suburb southeast of Houston. Lived in the metroplex and I’m in Central TX now. Let me tell ya, all “WalMarts” are the same. I pray every night that the Lord will bless us with a SuperTarget nearby, but so far my prayers have gone unanswered.
From Cio:
ummmmmmm. lol.
that’s unbelievable!
and yet, i know that it
MUST be true!
From N O R T O N:
I thought we had it bad in Ohio…
From HoustonGurly:
Don’t start thinking that the Wal-Marts in Houston are any better. Instead of the rednecks, though, we get the gangstas and thugs! I’d take a redneck over a gangsta any day… lol
From Chelsea Hurst:
Lauren, I know it’ll probably be a while until you get around to it… but I nominated you for the Honest Scrap blog award on my blog today. Check it out! http://rootsandrings.wordpress.com/2009/07/07/honest-scrap/
From Kym:
ummm chyelllo where are you?!?! :)
From Heidi H.:
Well Blair wasn’t lying! You are pretty! But, as my husband, brother-in-law and pretty much any other human with working eyes says, Texas women are more beautiful. It’s just fact.
So I had to come check your blog out because you’re from Texas– I mean, you actually live here!– and I do too!! And I had the same reaction to that fact that I use to have when I was five and would meet another five year old who was born on the same day as me or better yet, whose name was Heidi also!!! Ohhhh my gosh, you’re FIVE and you were born in MAY and your name is HEIDI, too?!?! Is your middle name Lynn– you have to tell me, tell me now. Is it Lynn?!
Yeah, I really did that. True story.
So when I read on H2B that Lauren from TEXAS of all places, was guest blogging, I clicked over as fast as I could, wide saucer eyes, OMG, TEXAS! No idea why that makes me so happy. Just does. But then I read a few lines from a few of your posts, like about Wal-Mart, Football and the Hill Country, and I was having a is-your-middle-name-Lynn moment.
So I’ll feel free to stalk you and just be tickled up oneside and down the other that I’ve found another Texan who blogs. If you want to take a looksie at my blog, that’s awesome, but it’s private and I’d have to invite via email and since I’ve become to involved with comments and such with other blogs I’m thinking of starting a public blog so that I can more easily make more blogging friends.
Mmmk. Done with my obsessed-with-other-Texans comment. Heh. And btw, the Wal-Mart in Hutto– treasure trove for redneck. Oh.my.gosh.becky.
From TheNerdyKatie:
I want to know where you are in the Houston area to have a 7-11 parking lot to make out in! And your post is why I don’t leave my little Clear Lake bubble :)