My weekend began with a trip to the grocery store to stock up on “Sister Food,” in preparation for the “Sister Sleepover” I had planned for the evening. My husband was gone for the night, so I decided to have my 2 younger sisters over. We don’t get to spend as much time together as we once did (you know, like when we took baths together), but we definitely make the most of the time we have. I love them.
In case you aren’t familiar with “Sister Food,” it’s a lot like “Food You Eat When You Are At A Jr. High Sleepover” or “Food You Eat When You Are In College.” This is what ended up in my cart:
-”Midnight Taco” Doritos (first time purchase, usually I am a Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Dorito girl but I decided to give these a whirl)
-Coke
-Pink Lemonade
-French Onion dip
-Baby carrots (don’t let these fool you – I think the health benefits of carrots are nullified when they are used as SHOVELS for French Onion dip)
-Plain potato chips (also used as shovels)
-Oreos
-Stuff for Banana Splits
While I was in the checkout line, my cashier, a kid who looked young enough to be my son (I must be getting old) asked me, “Are those new Doritos any good?” I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t tried them yet.” Him: “Well, everything they make is good.” Me: “True. I have never met a Dorito I didn’t like.”
I felt like we bonded, right then and there.
$30 later (when did junk food become so expensive?), I walked to my car, loaded up my stuff, and drove away. I got all the way back to my house (about 10 minutes away) and realized a VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL. I had forgotten my purse. I wish I could say I remained calm, but that’s not true. I started tearing into the bags of groceries in my driveway, looking everywhere for my purse. Nowhere to be found. So I sped away, leaving my trunk, the passenger door, and my garage door gaping open. On the way there, I frantically dialed 411 to get the number for Kroger. 411 is a joke. They connected me to a Kroger out in BFE – I don’t even know where it was. I was pissed AND freaked out. Then I realized HELLO WOMAN GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF YOU HAVE AN IPHONE. So I googled the number and called. Someone who sounded younger than the first dude (what is the legal age for someone to be able to work at Kroger? TEN?) calmly told me that he would have someone go out and look for it. Thanks, whatever, I’ll be there in a minute. I finally got there and tore around the parking lot like a crazed maniac, sunglasses teetering precariously on top of my head and my hair streaming like a madwoman. All I could think of was IDENTITY THEFT and how I couldn’t even REMEMBER what credit cards I had in my wallet, and THERE WAS A NEW LIPSTICK IN MY PURSE, and I just knew that some hobo had stolen it and his hobo wife was going to wear it on their hobo date later that night with my credit cards.
I ran inside and had to stand in line to talk to the 5-year-old working the customer service counter – he could CLEARLY see I was distressed, but NO, there was a man buying a GIGANTIC $7 water bottle in front of me, WHO CARES ABOUT THE FREAKED OUT WOMAN. About ten years later, Water Bottle Dude gets out of my way and I gush, “Listen, I just called, I’m the one who left my purse.” And he smiles very calmly and says, “Yeah, someone just went out to look for it.” Then a 12-year-old girl wearing too much eyeliner comes up to the counter and just kind of blinks at me and says, “They’re still looking for it” and calmly walks away. WHY IS EVERYONE SO CALM? I LOST MY FREAKING PURSE. So I run after her and say, “Who is looking for it? Can I look for it? Where are they looking? Can I talk to someone?” And she just blinks at me like, dude, why are you freaking out, don’t you know that ice cream is on sale? And JUST THEN the cutest guy I’ve ever seen comes in. Well, he wasn’t really cute, he was about 5 foot tall and maybe 14 years old, but he was CARRYING MY PURSE. I grabbed it and gasped “THANK YOU,” and then I kissed him on the mouth. Just kidding! I wouldn’t do that. Not at this point in my life. But get this. As I was walking away, the manager, the only one working at that store who was over 18, walks up and was like, “Did y’all find it? Oh good.” And I was all, DUDE. WHERE WERE YOU TWENTY MINUTES AGO. OK, it wasn’t really twenty minutes. But no really. Where were you?
Listen up kids (wait, I hope no kids are reading my blog – but eh, if you are): Should you find yourself working at Kroger one day and a frazzled woman comes in looking for her PURSE, which contains GROWN UP THINGS you probably don’t understand yet, like IDENTITY, and CREDIT CARDS, and a DEBIT CARD, and THE PERFECT SHADE OF LIPSTICK, at least PRETEND like you are concerned for her, and that you are doing everything in your power to help her find her purse. If you don’t, she might lose it and leap across the counter and strangle you. But, you know, not to scare you or anything.
Oh, and the Midnight Taco Doritos did not disappoint.
Comments on Nervous Breakdown.
From Matt:
In other news, the UK determined that Pringles are in fact “potato chips,” not “savory snacks.”
Maybe I should start reading your blog more. You write good.
From Chelsea Hurst:
I can’t believe you didn’t buy cookie dough! That’s the ultimate sleepover food! Also, I hate plain potato chips. I think they taste like grease flecks. Wow, there is one thing we don’t have in common. Maybe we aren’t the same person.
From Lauren From Texas:
OK, I changed it, Chelsea. I don’t normally like plain potato chips either – but I had to have something to get that French Onion dip to our mouths! Carrots are fine, but not fattening enough.
From Sam:
Oh my gosh, thank God they found your purse! I would have flipped out just as much as you did!
Thank you for the nice comment about my wedding pics! And finally, someone who didn’t give me a hard time about wearing a black dress! Everyone was like, “You’re not going to a funeral…” HA! But it was my favorite and I couldn’t find a white dress that I liked!
From K @ Blog Goggles:
Haha, he totally sounds like the hottest guy of all time. At least a knight in shining armor.
But dang, can I join your sleepover? Pretty please?
From Jillian:
I actually had a homeless person find my wallet. He called me from a public phone and set up a clandestine meeting with me to give it back.
He would have gotten a reward anyway so I didn’t mention the missing money. I guess he figured he would pay himself.
Nice post, Jillian
From Kym:
ahahahaha i love that almost everyone in this story was below 10 years old. i’m so glad you got your purse back…i would be panicking like a madwoman like you too!!! seriosuly.. nowadays, there are, like you said, 10 yr old kids in customer service…who dont know how to properly give you service!!! RAHHHH!!!! on a happier note, excellent selection of sister food. :)
From Moonjava:
I’m so glad you found your purse! I had an incidence a almost a year ago, someone stole my laptop. Needless to say I did have a nervous breakdown since my thesis data was on that thing….
Anyways, glad you found it!
From Sturgmom:
Losing your purse is the WORST feeling in the world. THE WORST. I’m so glad you were able to find it!
But what about the Totinos? Totinos pizza was pretty much a staple to every sleepover I ever hosted or attended. And remains a diet staple today (minus the sleepovers) which probably explains all the “baby weight” I still need to shed.
From Blond Duck:
Popped in from SITS to say hi!
From Rebecca:
Lol. Too funny. Glad your purse was ok. I, too, am amazed at how young the cashiers are these days. Signs that I’m getting old, I guess. But I don’t feel old yet!
From sarah:
poor lauren! i hate that feeling of distress… and i hate people who dont act like their own lives are AT STAKE if they DO NOT HELP YOU like you were their own mother!
From Hannah:
HAHAHAAA! And all this happened while me and Katherine were wanting to beat that reverend with a mic stand at that graduation while he was keeping us from our TACO DORITOOS! And HEYY i was thinkin about workin at kroger!!!!! HAHA jk I love you too! Funny as crap post!
From Kristin:
Teenagers, they’re fabulous. Ah ha. One of my best friends and I used to make 2am runs to Randall’s when I lived in Houston for our “period” food.
From Newlywed Wife:
Can’t…speak…laughing…too…hard…
From Mara:
I had the same problem when I dropped my wallet in a cab once…they seemed oblivious of the urgency of the situation in which the cabdriver was now in possession of my identity. Luckily, someone actually found it and mailed it to me!
And midnight taco Doritos? Interesting…
From Leah:
So what was the shade of lipstick?
From Reen:
“…and then I kissed him on the mouth. Just kidding! I wouldn’t do that. Not at this point in my life.”
I remember the stage in your life where you WOULD! Thinking back that far just made me giggle…
From sarah:
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am reading your old blogs because I am bored at work…
But this post reminds me…did you know that there is a sushi place in Houston that puts crunched up Nacho Cheese Doritos in the sushi and it is good?!?!?
Just thought you should know.